“You’re relying on your therapist, your husband, me…but what are YOU doing to get better? “
“What are YOU doing?”
At the time my mother shouted these words to me I wanted to tear my hair out.
How dare she ask me such a question!
For the past two years I had been doing nothing but focusing on my health.
I was forging through, trying to break up with dieting, facing past trauma, looking anywhere and everywhere for support.
I prayed daily, journaled, listened to podcasts on Jesus.
What more could I be doing for myself?
I went to bed that night heart broken…..
It had all been so much!
The panic attacks, the weight gain, the stress drinking, the inability to see any real movement on the scale.
I was sick of being fat, sick of being stressed and sick of failure.
Where are you God?
I know you are here somewhere but I can’t seem to find you!
I woke early the next morning.
Something in me felt different.
I sensed something I had not felt in some time.
My circumstances were the same.
I had no plan of attack.
I had no fresh wisdom on how to conquer the daily demons.
Still, I felt assured.
I felt safe
Like I had a child0like forcefield of wonder and awe, where you are just too busy being in the present moment to think about all that stress-filled sludge grown-ups end up drowning in.
Sometime after going to bed and waking up, my spirit had made a declaration of independence from my flesh.
God had won.
He had allowed me to feel so beaten down by my own negativity that I finally was ready to wave the white flag of surrender.
The truth is, I had been using support, searching for healing, seeking answers…but I was not really searching for support from God.
I was searching for saving.
I had just been waiting for Him to walk me through my hardships without having to actually work out His will…..
waiting for the circumstances to change…not me.
For me, I have suffered from years of thinking so much was wrong with me.
I did not like myself.
I felt I was not good enough.
Like everything I did was done the wrong way.
I constantly compared myself not just to others but to this version I had created of myself where I never made a false move.
Where my life was in control.
Free of challenges and pain.
Strength comes from overcoming pain.
It comes from taking hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of us….the Kingdom of God.
We are to be warriors, not whiners.
AMP For now [in this time of imperfection] we see in a mirror dimly [a blurred reflection, a riddle, an enigma], but then [when the time of perfection comes we will see reality] face to face. Now I know in part [just in fragments], but then I will know fully, just as I have been fully known [by God].
The lies we have been told about ourselves, the belief that we are unworthy, unloved, incapable.
The traumas we still hold onto, they will own us for as long as we allow them to.
And we allow them to by not surrendering them to God.
When my mother asked me “What are you doing, Courtney?” I realized what she meant.
How I was using the wisdom God was imparting on me?
Was I showing myself to be a strong and faithful servant?
In what areas of my life was I actually handing my troubles to God without my own will being imparted on them?
Where was I opening myself up with humility and gratitude instead of stubbornness and brat-itude.
Did playing the victim take more root in my life than being the victor….who Jesus has called me to be and who he says I already am!
My reality was simple.
I was choosing to live in chains created by fear, doubt and challenges.
God broke me.
I awoke the same way I had gone to bed that night.
Free because I had Jesus.
Only this particular morning, I chose to believe in him.
I chose to follow instead of wallow.
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